Setbacks

Yesterday I found myself feeling mentally and physically defeated. It was a somewhat crippling feeling.

I had attempted two bike rides and each was followed by a full day in immense pain. Yesterday, in particular, I struggled to walk. In my growing impatience I want to fight my way to health but must realize that it’s more of a waiting game.

While on the bike I was again hit with sheer terror each time a car passed me. My body cringed and my breathing often halted, as if waiting for the next collision.

I think because I appeared weak, what with my newfound cycling insecurity and the ankle brace, I invited more harassment while on the bicycle than usual. There is a bit of sadism in a lot of people. This is a difficult revelation that growing up provides. A car drove by with its window down and the driver shouted, “Get off the road!” A few moments later an old pickup truck with two men inside revved its engine. “You wanna race?” The driver asked tauntingly.

I focused on the road ahead, but psychologically I knew that I was beaten. People don’t try to diminish you like this when you’re strong, or at least not as often. I wondered what it would take to regain my bravado.

The next morning, to heighten my frustration, my ankle was shot with pain. I attempted a walk to the grocery store in order to buy some wine, but I failed to make it across the street. The ankle quickly gave way. At the street median, I realized that the pain was telling me to stop, that I wasn’t going to make it. I halted at that center concrete island as cars whizzed by in both directions.

“Hell,” I thought. “This is what it’s like to lose.” Simple thoughts, really. I think that physically I could have made it across, but doing so would have cost me more healing time. So I limped back home.

Every day is a new day. The ankle is better today, and I’m glad that I didn’t write this blog yesterday, as it would have been much more nihilistic. I will have to accept inertia for awhile.

I still believe that I’ll be back soon. But I’ll have to accept the waiting game.

It is a tough balance. Time heals all wounds. But we are only allotted so much time.