The Ebb and Flow of Fortunes

I’ve noticed it is easier to buy nothing when I have nothing to spend. As is human nature, spending inevitably increases with fortune. It is probably less so for me than most people, as I believe I still live a pretty modest lifestyle.

Still, I believe that I possess too much. It is true that I have a pretty small closet, but the closet is rife with stuff. I may own less than most, but I still own much more than I have at times in the past. I’ve experienced what it’s like to own almost nothing (my years in China), and I’ve experienced what it’s like to own everything I had inkling to buy. Of the two, I prefer nothing. It’s more freeing.

Fortunes ebb and flow. Time has humbled me enough to know this. A possession can easily become a burden. Life is tough enough. Best to minimize the burdens if given the option.

I’ve seen how new possessions inevitably rust and fade, and lose their lore. In today’s subscription-based economy, replacements must be purchased at regular intervals. One can easily become a slave to possessions.

I don’t believe owning nothing is necessarily healthy either. Humans evolved by using materials. Shoes allowed us to migrate north, for example.

I do believe I need to reassess what is essential and what was bought on impulse. The mind convinces itself a lot more is “necessary” to buy when there’s money in one’s pockets than it does when the pockets are empty.

How much is enough? This is a difficult question to answer because the answer constantly changes. Generally speaking though, it’s less than a consumer thinks.

If You Want to Learn

“It is impossible for a person to begin to learn what he thinks he already knows.” - Epictetus

Aging humbles me. The older I get, the less I realize I know. When a preconceived truth is proven wrong, a new one takes its place. Then that is proven wrong and I’m left wondering if there’s a red pill somewhere that finally provides the final, definite answer.

One can really go down a rabbit hole of “what ifs” in the search for truth. I remember an old middle school teacher challenging me by saying, “How do you know that God didn’t snap His fingers and create you, and all of your memories, five seconds ago?” The truth is I don’t, nor does anyone. We don’t know how long we’ve actually existed, although we have an educated guess, and we certainly have no clue how long we will continue to exist. Then, we have our theories on what happens after existence.

Somewhere in adolescence, swelled by our pride, I think we set out to form answers to every question. There’s never a time when we seemingly have more of the answers. I could prove any professor wrong back then.

Then time humbles us. It accelerates and snowballs, and as it gathers momentum our precious answers combust. At some point we’re a blank slate again, and maybe that’s for the best.

I still want to learn with whatever capacity I have.

Judgments

I sometimes wake up in the odd hours of the night with a brutal anxiety that I can’t describe. Usually it’s severe enough that my system enters “fight or flight” mode and cannot fall back asleep.

I’m awakened by a dream, usually, in which I’m either replaying a stressful past event or a hypothetical future one. It isn’t so much the event itself that causes me stress as it is my perception of the event and how it might affect me. For example, I often dream of making some awful work-related error that destroys my reputation or gets me fired. Even when awake, it feels too real to erase from my mind. Or my mind amplifies the stress by creating another dozen similar hypothetical scenarios. I ensnare myself in these fictions and convince myself that I am powerless.

It’s never the event that causes stress, as events are just moments in time. It’s our judgment regarding the event, and our ability (or inability) to let go.

Judgment plays a key role in how we shape and present ourselves. If it wasn’t for judgment I’d probably live like Rob Greenfield, owning just a dozen possessions and dumpster diving when I need something else. It’s a shame, really, that I still can’t seem to let go of my own need to uphold a reputation.

I still have time to learn though. Here’s to hoping I figure it out before my 40th birthday.

First Impressions

I try not to act too instinctively, though I think my instinct is usually pretty accurate. It isn’t foolproof though. No one’s instinct is completely foolproof. Some of my best friends in life, for example, were people I was initially intimidated by. I had to peel layers off the onion before realizing what there actually was.

So I try to question and challenge my initial impressions to exhaustion. Sometimes I overdo it and I find my mind in a permanent state of indecision. Sometimes I’m still wrong. But then, everyone and everything deserves a fair chance. Better to think things through than to completely misjudge.

Sometimes it takes years for first impressions to change. Sometimes, through those years, views fluctuate back and forth. I’ve had conflicting views on education and politics for my entire adult life. One should reserve the right to change them.

I know that the first impression I imprint on others is rarely one of the person I am. It takes awhile for my sense of humor to emerge. So I try to consider that, too, when forming first impressions.

Maybe in my constant questioning I’ll arrive at a higher truth.

Assessing Counterfeits

If someone were to offer you gold, the first thing you’d likely do is ascertain its worth. You don’t want to be ripped off, after all.

It seems easier, as society moves online, to accept a headline as true without passing much judgment. We’d be skeptical of free gold but all too eager to accept a stranger’s advertisement or news headline. We often parrot what we read with little questioning. I’m guilty of having done this. What we accept most readily depends on our preexisting ideology.

I aim to test the validity of anything before accepting it. It’s how I hope to refrain from becoming the product of someone else.

I’ve read a lot lately on the health benefits of mushrooms. There seems to be little scientific evidence one way or the other for most of the health claims, but I’ve been trying mushroom coffee in the morning. The brand I’m trying mixes six types of mushrooms: shiitake, lion’s mane, reishi, cordyceps, king trumpet, and turkey tail.

An old work friend recommended it. In the wake of COVID lockdowns, he said, feelings of isolation and depression began to overtake him. He tried mushroom coffee daily and it changed his life for the better. He slept better and felt both more energized and more hopeful about himself. His motivation skyrocketed. He completed his first triathlon and while nearing age 50, possessed the vitality of a 30-year-old.

Why not try it, I figured. He seems trustworthy, and he gave me a free 30 day supply. I’ll try just about anything… “for science.”

So I tried mushroom coffee for about 30 days. Did it make a difference? Well, my sleep improved to the point that it became top notch, I was writing creativity again for the first time in years, and I felt an overall sense of contentment. It could’ve just been the reduction in caffeine. That’s still a benefit though.

It was difficult to be sure what was real and what was placebo, so I went without mushroom coffee for about two weeks. In those two weeks my sleep quality worsened and I found some of my old anxieties slowly returning.

It’s difficult to know for certain what is and isn’t a factor of the mushrooms, but I’ll keep taking the mushroom coffee… for now, at least, it doesn’t seem to be counterfeit.